Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Holy cow

Cecily wrote this post inspired by this post. And they both just hit me WHAM right between the eyes.

You remember this post? And how, afterwards, I got down to my marriage weight? And I wanted to get down to my bookstore weight? Well, it didn't happen. What happened instead is I went right back up to my just-had-a-baby weight.

And then I went walkingwalkingwalking for that thing back in November and I lost 10 pounds. And I felt really good about it. But then I stopped walkingwalkingwalking and the weight is creeping back on.

And it's not because I'm eating hugely. And it's not because I'm scarfing down Mallomars (though I'm not denying myself them either). It's because I'm not walking at least 2 hours a day at least four days a week. Which is an insane amount of exercise and I don't have the time for it anyway.

So here I am.

I am never going to be 108 pounds again.
I am never going to be 112 pounds again.

I am just not.

I need to exercise a decent amount to stay healthy, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it to lose weight.

I will never be a D cup again. I will always have trouble finding clothes to fit. And I'll be damned if I will let that make me feel bad about myself. I had trouble finding clothes when I was thin, because I'm FLIPPING SHORT!

Heart disease runs in my family. That is a fact. I will exercise to stay fit so that I can live to see my grandkids. But I am not going to focus on weight or clothing sizes anymore. I am an apple and I am going to be proud of it.


Suniverse said...

Hmmm . . . I've been thinking about this in a general way quite a bit lately. Mine is not only my weight (When I fit into my college clothes, I'll be happy. And look kind of scary.) but also financial (When I can afford to pay my bills on time, I'll be happy.). And it's been damn hard because those are hard things to let go of.

It's hard to accept yourself as who you are when you don't particularly like yourself no matter what weight or financial situation.

I'm glad you're coming to grips with this, too. Safety in numbers?

Gary Oxford said...

Good for you.

Eva said...

Yes, it's much nicer not to fret too much about this stuff. We're fortunate our bodies work as well as they do.

susan said...

You rock.

Magpie said...

I hear you. Loud and clear.

ccw said...

I would like to lose the last 10 pounds of baby hanging on to my hips. I want to be able to wear all the shorts and pants that I have.

Being short makes shopping very difficult. The fact that Petite means no boobs, hips, or ass doesn't help.

Yankee T said...

I love you.

J. said...

an apple a day...

keep on keeping on. i think you have realized a wonderful thing - you are not a number or a size...you are you.

J. @ http://bingdella.wordpress.com

Andy said...

I usually ban myself from comments of posts like these, but it's a real pain to find jeans in size W 31 L 36 too. And T-Shirts... size L is too short, and size XL is made for someone at least 25 pounds heavier than me.

I've also had regular-sized women tell me that they feel more self-conscious about their bodies when I'm around. It's kind of a drag at times.

Andrea said...

Good for you, Liz. You're right, it is not worth torturing yourself for your weight.