Where have I been?

I've been posting at Doorbell Queen, I've been working, and I've been on hold with several folks.

A couple weeks ago, I got a mammogram here at work. CONVENIENT! But, because they did your basic mammogram (2 pictures per breast), I got the call I always get when I get a basic mammogram...which is that they saw something weird and would I go get more thoroughly checked?

And here's where it's less convenient, because normally, I'd just go back to where I went to get the basic, but they're a traveling group, so I can't.

So I've been on the phone with my doctor, and a specialist, and the traveling folks in NJ. And the upshot is that they're going to FedEx the films to the specialist and I'll have an appointment a week from tomorrow (and I'll bring the films from 2 years ago), and lesson learned. From now on, I get all my mammograms from the local radiologists.

As always, this shit makes me a little anxious, but since every. single. time. I get a mammogram, I have to go for follow-up and they haven't found anything yet - I'm just large and fibrous - I'm not as anxious as you'd expect.

Fifteen Years (now with pictures)

15 years ago today: We looked like this

10 years ago today: I looked like this

(in a bathing suit in Kauai). And conceived this

6 years ago today: I wrote this.

2 years ago today: we were supposed to go out for dinner, but I went to the hospital instead. Good times.

This year, we ate beef tenderloin cooked to perfection.

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Spock.

Fluff

I'm wearing this in aubergine.

I love it.

Mourning

Today, one of my bras broke.

The under wire showed itself to the world. It didn't have the decency to poke out under my arm, as broken bras normally do. No, this one came out in the center, right by the pretty little bow.

This is not a minor thing. My bras are, by necessity, feats of modern engineering and thus, they are expensive.

Fortunately, my mother gave me a gift certificate to Nordstrom's for my birthday. I know now what I will spend it all on. Unless they no longer carry my size. In which case, hello, BiggerBras.com!

Read it for point #5

Even if you're not a knitter, you really need to go read The Yarn Harlot today. Read it for point #5.

Because she is so right.

Starting again on a sweater...this time, it's gonna be a vest

Deep V neck pullover in that lovely purple tweed. Couldn't find a cardi pattern I thought would suit both the yarn and the Rack of Doom.

I'll update here with progress, assuming I make any.

Been there, done that, bought the ginormous bra.

Have I told you how much I love Kate Harding? I love Kate Harding.

Around these parts, Nordstrom's and Trousseau do excellent jobs of fitting.

What do you think?

Should I knit this sweater in a purple tweed wool?

I really like the shape of it. Nice cropping to give the illusion of a bit more height, and the neckline is good for minimizing the EEROD.

Uncertain

So, as you all know, I'm back to walking at least two hours a day at least four times a week. And it's having an expected but unlooked-for and undesired effect: I have lost some weight.

Which, not surprisingly, has been noticed.

What do I say when people comment on it?

I'd like to say, "I didn't mean to."

I'd like to say, "It's not what I intended."

I'd like to say, "It's not surprising given I'm walking at least two hours a day at least four times a week."

What do I say?

You know you are built like a chesterfield

When you find bits of your lunch down in the sofa cushions. As it were.

Update

Doctor says that the ever-expanding and leaking rack of doom has no sign or increased risk of cancer. Problem probably hormonal in nature and will consult a GYN on progesterone-lowering drugs.

Disappointingly, a reduction will not solve the problem and is not indicated at this time since "they might just keep growing." We need to fix the underlying tissue issue and then, when resolved, can reduce.

I really really really wanted a reduction to be the solution. Two birds, one stone would have been wonderful. Sigh.

Won't my mommy be so proud of me?

• I brought my new pants to the tailor's to be hemmed.
• I brought my dry-clean only blouses to the dry-cleaners to be dry-cleaned.
• I've been hanging up my clothes, instead of letting them sit in the laundry basket (wow! It saves time on ironing!)
• I've been tidying as I go.
• I remembered to order my mammogram films from the radiologist for Thursday's appointment.

Did I tell you about Thursday's appointment? Well, because I'm still leaking 6+ years post-pumping, the nurse-practitioner who did my annual exam did a blood test for prolactin levels (normal) and sent me for another mammogram (normal/no change), and then said that I should see a breast surgeon to make sure there's nothing else going on there. So I'm seeing one on Thursday morning.

I'm hoping that the surgeon will say that a reduction will fix the plumbing problems. Because, if so, insurance will pay for it.

More random bullets

• I scored the sole Boston Cream donut at the cafeteria today! Yeah, baby!!!!
• MM anticipated the misfortune that befell Lockheart last night. "It's not going to work! Ron's wand is BROKEN!!!!" he chortled. And lo, it was so.
• I praised his brilliance and his mad predictive reading comprehension skillz.
• Did any of you catch last night's celestial magnificence? Wow.
• There's a dress in the Travel Smith catalog that I'm drooling over. Alas, I don't think it will accomodate the ever-expanding Rack of Doom. What do you think?

XXL

Had to buy new shirts because the ones I bought back in the Spring shrank in the wash and are gapping (at least, I'm pretty sure it's shrinkage...though what with the ever-expanding nature of my rack, who knows?)

I bought 'em in XXL, on the theory that if they shrink they'll still be big enough.

The fact is...(last post about this for a while, I promise)

That I really have no clue what I look like. I see other people and can tell them how they look and what clothes look good on them and even go to a rack of clothes on hangers, pull 7 dresses off them, send an acquaintance into a dressing room with them and be spot on about ALL 7 DRESSES.



I could be a personal shopper. I have that talent. I'm just sayin'.



But I have no real sense of how I look. None.



I'm still surprised to see myself in the mirror or on film.



The parts of my body I see most (legs and arms) look exactly the same as they did when I was 95 lbs and a Si cup. Let me repeat that..My arms and legs are EXACTLY the same as they were when I was 30 pounds lighter. They are what I see when I'm not looking in a mirror.



The rest of my body has changed and I can't tell what it looks like. Which is why I feel like it's two bodies sewn together: the arms and legs from the body I still think I have and the core from the body I really do have.



I expected my body to change as I grew older. I did. I expected that my middle would thicken, that things would sag or be less elastic. I expected I would wear larger pants sizes but that my bras would stay basically the same (if perhaps more supportive). Instead I find that my pants sizes have stayed static for the last...oh...8 or maybe 10 years (barring maternity) and my bras that have grown ever bigger. I didn't expect or want to stay looking like I did at 16 or even at 26. But I had a concept of what I would look like as an older person. I expected to look like my mother. I expected to have her body. Instead, I find myself in my Grandma Hilda's body, and she died when I was 5, so I can't ask her about her experiences. I don't know if her rack continued to expand forever.





Do you have a true sense of what you look like? Do you look like you imagined you would when you got to be the age you are?

Talking, once again, about the tatas

Bad body image day. I'm guessing I'll get a visit from the crimson tide tomorrow.
From the front, I seriously look ginormous.
l( )( )l

the little l's at the sides are the outer edges of my Olive Oyl arms.

But I realized the other day that from the side, I look much much smaller

l l l )

The three l's are supposed to be my back and Olive Oyl arms.

So the impact of my front-view is, in great part, due to the fact that the breasts mostly obscure my practically non-existent upper arms.

Not that G is not ginormous, it is. But G in combination with upper arms that have the same circumference as a soda can is...an odd pairing indeed.

Add in some narrowish shoulders and it's no wonder that I have a hard time buying clothes.

When I look at my front-view in the mirror I don't see a body, I see a collection of parts. It's like looking at branches, leaves, trunk and never seeing a tree.

When I look at myself in profile, I see myself as a whole. I am not a collage, I am a sculpture, made from one marble slab.

I'm 39. How old do I have to be to feel at peace with my body?

I think it's called TMI.

So I bought some new bras yesterday (34 Ginormous). And new shirts today (XL). And I have to tell you people that there is only one time when I don't like my body - when I'm buying clothes for it.

As you all know, I'm short. Short. Fifty-nine inches in my stocking feet. My arms are in proportion to that. My bodacious tatas not so much.

How to buy a shirt that doesn't gap in the front and, at the same time, doesn't make me look like I raided my husband's closet? And that I can afford?

Well, the Merona shirts come close to perfection on those points. The XL is a tad bit too long in the torso for me, but not so much that it looks bad. It's got princess seaming so it doesn't look like a man's shirt. It satisfies the "no pockets" rule (never, ever wear a shirt with pockets on it if you have a bosom the size of a small country). The sleeves are about 2 inches too long, but they have a long cuff that folds tidily without being obvious. And they're $18.00.

They come in an elbow-sleeve version, but that actually looked like crap on me. I think elbow sleeves draw attention to my bust line.

Finding a bra that fits, is supportive, and doesn't have a seam across the front was a true adventure. The Fantasie 4500 seems to fill the bill quite nicely. I liked my Wacoal minimizer better but, alas, Wacoal doesn't make it for the G market. Neither is the Fantasie 4500 as lovely as my Fayreform Daisy (in chocolate), but the Daisy is not smooth. It draws attention to itself under light solid colors and thin fabrics. And even the cream version has pink details on it which show under a white shirt.

Last year (seriously, almost to the day), the whole process made me feel horrible about myself. This year, I just feel frustrated at the lack of choices. It's not me, it's the lack of choice in clothing sizes. Thank God for the HAES movement. It's made all the difference to my mood this time.

I don't have any of the usual front-loaded problems, either. No backaches, very little gouging in the shoulders, generally no angry red marks all over (the result of wearing the right bra and not slouching...when you're not quite five-feet tall, you tend to stand up straight).

I do want to put y'all on alert, though. A time is coming when my breasts are going to be a big enough pain in my ass that I'm going to want to take them down a notch or two - but only if I can be reasonably sure that they'd stay there. And y'all? Still leaking. 5+ years post pumping.

Holy cow

Cecily wrote this post inspired by this post. And they both just hit me WHAM right between the eyes.

You remember this post? And how, afterwards, I got down to my marriage weight? And I wanted to get down to my bookstore weight? Well, it didn't happen. What happened instead is I went right back up to my just-had-a-baby weight.

And then I went walkingwalkingwalking for that thing back in November and I lost 10 pounds. And I felt really good about it. But then I stopped walkingwalkingwalking and the weight is creeping back on.

And it's not because I'm eating hugely. And it's not because I'm scarfing down Mallomars (though I'm not denying myself them either). It's because I'm not walking at least 2 hours a day at least four days a week. Which is an insane amount of exercise and I don't have the time for it anyway.

So here I am.

I am never going to be 108 pounds again.
I am never going to be 112 pounds again.

I am just not.

I need to exercise a decent amount to stay healthy, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it to lose weight.

I will never be a D cup again. I will always have trouble finding clothes to fit. And I'll be damned if I will let that make me feel bad about myself. I had trouble finding clothes when I was thin, because I'm FLIPPING SHORT!

Heart disease runs in my family. That is a fact. I will exercise to stay fit so that I can live to see my grandkids. But I am not going to focus on weight or clothing sizes anymore. I am an apple and I am going to be proud of it.

Wisdom from my mother

My mom used to run everyday before work. At 6:15 every morning she'd meet her friend NameMatchesHerTemperment and they'd run around Prospect Park together.

The rule was: if you were going to cancel, you had to do it in person. Downstairs. On the street. At 6:15 AM. No cancelling over the phone.

By the time they were up and dressed and on the street to cancel they'd realize they might as well go running.

Brilliant.

Now all I need is a jogging partner and three or four VERY sturdy jogbras to wear at one time.

Asking for some help

Dear friends,

Any of y'all know where I can find a bathing suit that will fit me? I'm looking for a practical suit, something that I can wear playing with MM. In other words, no dental floss, but not a burkini either. Lands End, Nordstrom, Water Water, LL Bean, and JC Penney only go up to Didi.

Alternatively, any of you have ideas on how to phrase a Google search for one that won't bring up something geared towards a fan of GGW?

Thanking you in advance for any and all input.